Harry Potter and the Needs of the Dark Lord
by maugi
Summary: When hogwarts is overun by death eaters, Harry starts to feel depressed. He decides the only way he can maintain a healthy relationship with Ron is by becomming a girl. Can voldemort help him?


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter, nor am I the author of this story, the original author wishes to remain anonymous. She will probably call me a "numdim" (whatever that is) on the reviews because i haven't edited it for her because I want her work to remain original- Lady Ta'la

**Harry Potter**

**And the Needs of the Dark Lord**

_Why is everyone so happy?_ Harry thought to himself. _The weather is crap, we have Snape all day, Voldemort is on the loose, and the whole school is stuck in a damp dungeon all day._

It was true; the only people who weren't happy were Hermione, Ginny and himself.

"Why aren't you happy, Ginny?" he asked her.

"I've got my period, why else?" she snapped at him.

"Sorry," Harry said and walked away. Ever since he dumped her she had been a bitch to him.

"Hermione, why is everyone so happy?" Harry asked her.

"Fucking hell Harry, do you expect me to know everything?" Hermione yelled. "What do you take me for? Some kind of psychic?"

"Why aren't you happy, babe?" Ron asked Harry, sitting on his lap and putting his arms around Harry's neck.

"I don't know," Harry said. "It doesn't seem like there is anything to be happy about."

"For fuck sake Harry, don't you know anything? You are obviously unhappy because of the decrease of hormones in your body at current times. So I think I would be right in saying that you have your period." Hermione answered.

"Shut up Hermione you fucking cunt!" Ron yelled.

"Bring it on bitch!" Hermione shouted.

_Maybe Hermione has a point._ Harry thought as Ron and Hermione had a violent slapping fight. _I've always wanted to be a girl._

That was part of the reason why Ron and Harry had never had sex. Ron was a bit confused about his sexuality. He thought he was gay but the idea of having sex was too much. If only there was some way to turn him into a girl. But there wasn't.

Everything had changed so much over the past year. Since Dumbledore dies, Voldemort had taken over the school. Snape was teaching Potions, Mr. Malfoy was teaching Transfiguration, Bellatrix Lestrange was Charms and numerous other Death Eaters had taken over other subjects.

But what surprised most people were class Voldemort had taken over. He had not taken over Dark Arts and How to Kill People as everyone expected.

Instead he chose Sex Ed.

The school had been reluctant to allow this new subject, but after watching their families being tortured, they gave in,

It was a pretty good subject and would no doubt be useful in later life.

Professor Voldemort encouraged them to come to him and talk about their worries. Not many people liked to do this, but Harry found it quite enjoyable.

Sometimes Voldemort would take him to places and buy him presents. He was almost like a father to Harry.

If anytime, Harry needed him now. He had to tell him the truth about himself. Voldemort usually had an answer for everything.

"I have to go now," Harry mumbled to Ron.

"You're not going to talk to fucking Voldemort, are you Harry?" Hermione said loudly.

The room went silent.

"I'm going to ask if we can get out of the school before he bombs it," Harry said loudly.

The school applauded.

The corridors and hallways were silent as Harry walked though them. The only sound was his feet on the ground. And Peeves masturbating, but that was just a normal sound.

"Professor?" Harry said, knocking on the wooden door.

"Ahh, Harry, I've been expecting you," Voldemort's high voice said. "Enter."

"You've been expecting me? Why?" Harry asked.

"It has been a while since you last came to visit me,"

"I need to talk to you," Harry said. "There is something worrying me."

"Of course you may talk to me," Voldemort said.

Harry sat down behind the green desk. Voldemort had his back to Harry. Everything in the room was green. Green was Voldemort's favorite colour.

Voldemort spun round so he was facing Harry. "What is it?" he asked.

Harry thought for a moment. Where should he start? "Ummm… well," he stammered.

"Yes?"

"I don't really know how to say this," Harry muttered.

"Do you want me to read your mind?"

"Yes please,"

Harry looked into Voldemort's red eyes.

"Ah, you want to be a girl. Am I right?" Voldemort asked.

Harry nodded.

"And you were wondering if I could change anything?"

Harry nodded again.

Hermione burst in. "Can you change anything?" she asked eagerly.

Voldemort pulled out his wand and pointed it at Hermione. Her eager expression changed to one of fear.

"Please, please no!"

"Don't hurt her!" Harry said loudly.

Voldemort lowered his wand. "I will spare your life on Harry's orders," he said.

Hermione sat down next to Harry.

"To make this easier for me, why don't you just switch bodies?" Voldemort asked.

Harry and Hermione exchanged a look.

"No," they said at the same time.

"Well that complicates matters a bit," he said. "You do know that the treatment is irreversible?"

"Yes,"

"Yes,"

"And that I charge a small fee?"

"Yes,"

"What kind of fee?" Hermione asked. Harry could see that she looked worried. Hermione had always been a tightarse.

"You will find out when you are in the transformation room," Voldemort told her.

All the robes in the world couldn't have hidden his enormous boner. (Note from Lady Ta'la: I don't get this sentence either.)

"Can I go first?" Harry asked, also trying to hide a boner. He couldn't believe that it was actually going to happen.

"Of course," said Voldemort.

The walk to the potions test room was the shortest walk Harry had ever known. The fact that the room was right next door had nothing to do with it

Hermione followed them silently, too overcome with happiness to speak. When they arrived at the room, Hermione couldn't contain herself any longer.

"Professor Voldemort," she said excitedly. "May I please, please go first?"

Voldemort glared at her for a moment then turned to Harry. Harry nodded.

"Very well, you may go first," he told her.

Hermione practically ran into the dark room. Voldemort followed and shut the door behind him.

At first all Harry could hear was some bumping, but after a while, silence.

After what seemed like hours, they emerged. Voldemort came out first, followed by Hermione. His hair was short and frizzy, his teeth were crooked and his eyebrows were bushy.

Voldemort had done a great job.

"Now Herman, the boner will take a while to go down," Voldemort said to the new Hermione.

"That's ok," he said and walked off.

"It's your turn now Harry," Voldemort said and beckoned him to the dark room.

Wordlessly, Harry walk in.

**Please review**


End file.
